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| #1: Kids should know that Chris Paul's twin brother, Cliff, only makes $32,000 a year |
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| #1: As a shareholder, I have to ask... Is having a book section really the best use of Walmart shelf space? |
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| #1: In 50 years, no one will watch baseball. It was invented when there was absolutely nothing else to do. |
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| Call your Dad. Email your Dad. Write him a letter. I don't give a shit. Just don't tell him via your Facebook wall. |
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| #1: I already know I'm going to Hell. So, at this point, it's go big or go home. |
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| #1: Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation. |
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| #1: The only color I judge people by is the color of their teeth. |
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| #1: In Sicily, gangsters kill the kids and grandkids of their enemies. In America, we have Reverse Mortgages. |
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| #1: Hermes ties are like Air Jordans for white people. |
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| #1: If the latest A-Rod allegations are true, we'll have to stop calling them Performance Enhancing Drugs and just call them Drugs. |
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| #1: No one orders cheap beer to drink responsibly. |
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| #1: Sure, I'll have $6 bottle of Evian with a glass full of ice made from tap water. |
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| #1: Homosexuality is a win-win for dudes. It usually takes two good looking guys and two ugly girls off the market. |
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#1: Imagine the feeling of winning the lottery, and then losing everything.
#2: I know a few ex-girlfriends who can. |
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| #1: I made him try to get her # with, 'Hey girl, you gotta cite your sources, cuz I'm wondering where you got that figure.' |
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| #1: Most things are only considered racist if white people do them. |
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| A revealing and f*cking funny chat with the man behind your favorite tweets: |
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| Words of Wisdom... 20 priceless tips for the Wall Street summer interns of 2013: |
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| #1: Most people don't understand that God cast them as extras in this movie. |
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| #1: Real estate brokers should use Groupon to see who's about to go out of business. |
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