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| A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day: |
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| "Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes." |
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| "The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole." |
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| "No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit." |
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| "No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: ) |
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| "We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that." |
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| "Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book out today. An excerpt: |
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| "No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit." |
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| "No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book |
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| "No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: |
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| "You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: |
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| "No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9. |
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| "You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land." |
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| "Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you." A short story about my dad's thoughts on sports. |
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| "Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over." |
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| "These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us." |
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| A response to my dad's question, "What happens when they cancel a shitty TV show like yours?" |
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| My dad explains why he thinks internet comments will end the world. |
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| "I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes." |
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| "Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass." |
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