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| Two things: Comedy is about being relatable and also, I’m tired of the interns not saluting me. |
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| Just saw this ad in Paris. This explains what Haagen-Dazs meant when they told me they were "going another way." |
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| My kids bought me a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug at the Sarcastic store. |
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| I’m sorry to hear about Vladimir Putin’s divorce, but I’m happy to have my drinking buddy back. Call me, Mrs. Putin! |
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| I hope the government wasn’t spying on iPhones, or they’re going to have millions of records of people saying, “Sorry, you’re cutting out.” |
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| "Hey, I'm really mastering this Vine thing." - |
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| Government collecting data from our cell phones? No wonder always beats me at Words with Friends. |
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| Well, well, well. Two can play at this game. I just started following the . |
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| Vince Vaughn & Owen Wilson from have a cornhole battle with me on tonight. It's not what you're thinking, mom. |
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| And just what am I supposed to do with this warehouse full of “Don’t Taze Me Bro” mouse pads? |
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| Played softball with my son last night. He says I “throw like a Conan.” |
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| I’m looking for a Franklin in the streets and a Bash in the sheets. |
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| Just woke up from a nap and discovered 18 more “Game of Thrones” characters have been killed. |
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| If you think that’s bad, you should see how Michael Douglas got eczema. |
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| In 10 years, my wife and I have never gone to bed angry. Thanks, couch and spare pillow. |
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| Want to get slammed from every conceivable angle? Pick the bumper car that’s painted like a police cruiser. |
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| I’m going to be like my dad and show up to every one of my son’s Little League games, but without all the betting. |
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| Pretty sure karate was invented by a guy and a bee. |
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| I’m really scared of horror movies with clowns, and this theater is full of them. |
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| We’re all looking for a Canada by day, and a Mexico at night. |
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