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| The only thing I hate more than murderers and pedophiles is slow internet connection. |
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| Hey, remember when I used to tweet? |
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| Twitter, helping people realize they're not funny, one tweet at a time. |
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Out of butter?
1. Get a cold.
2. Don't shower for three days.
3. Smear (whatever it is you want to be buttered) on your head.
Foolproof. |
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| Plot twist: The Starbucks cup takes a photo of the white girl to put on Instagram. |
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| WOULD you like fries with that? Would YOU like fries with that? Would you LIKE fries with that? - Most actors, preparing for work |
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Clicking on the links in your tweets to see your twit pics.
Ain't nobody got time for that. |
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| as i walk though the valley in the shadow of twitter i take a look my interactions and refresh the page over & over oh god its never enough |
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| Burritos are just shy tacos. |
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| The ultimate walk of shame is the steps we take between the cradle and the grave. |
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| "Every artist was first an amateur." - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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| I'm never single for long because when you're delusional, imaginary internet boyfriends totally count. |
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| Stop complaining about my swearing. Don't you comprehend that once the swearing stops, I start setting shit on fucking fire?? |
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| Live simply so others can simply live. |
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| I totally stopped believin' Journey. Your fucking move. |
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I'm whiter than all the colours COMBINED!
Get it? Cus' all the colours together are actually.. Ok, forget it, it wasn't funny anyway. |
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| My life strategy is simple. I pretend I know what the fuck I’m doing until I figure it out. |
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| Flipping between Taken and The Notebook in hopes that Liam Neeson will pop into The Notebook and beat the shit out of everybody. |
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