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| I carry gluten with me for self-defense. |
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| All those that are pig farmers, raise your hams. |
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| I was a promising young writer. I promised I'd write some great novels. Never did. |
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| Miss USA is a fraud. She is neither an expatriate nor homesick. |
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| On the bright side, you can safely shout fire in an After Earth theater. |
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Ceci n'est pas une pipe. |
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| Tired of people with uppity respiratory infections. “Oh, look at me! My prognosis is sooo good.” |
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| Skylights are nice but their prices are through the roof. |
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| The Little Difference Engine That Could But So What |
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| TFNGIM! (Thanks For Nothing, God, It’s Monday) |
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| In Mortal Kombat: Vegetable Edition, you fight broccoli, give cauliflower ear to cauliflower and after you “FINISH HIM,” you get dessert. |
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| If you send me recipes, I’ll send you some back. That’s reciprocity. |
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“Nurse, I need an X-ray STAT!”
“X-rays are expected to be a $4.82 billion market by 2018.” |
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| Dear ConAgra, I got sick after eating an expired jar of your Peter Pan Peanut Butter. Shouldn't it never grow old? |
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| “Genghis, I want you to separate your Mongols intro three piles: keep, throw away and donate.” – tonight’s episode of Horders |
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| Yeah, the post office is only for mailing ricin these days. Their ricin d'etre, if you will. |
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| I've run 100 meters in 25 seconds so I could do a marathon in 2.5 hours. That’s just math. |
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| It’s a comfort to know that the government can’t read the thoughts of Chipotle burritos. |
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| I know I’ve had too much caffeine when I start beginning other people’s sentences for them. |
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